While joking around and chatting with a cousin at a camping trip a few months ago, both of us stopped instantly, as the first notes of “Wish You Were Here”, by Pink Floyd, began to play. What I felt and what I saw? A combination of sadness, frustration, anger, surprise, loss and love. While I could be projecting my own feelings towards my cousin, I know for a fact, all these emotions were pushed on to me when I was not ready for it. It was an assault that I was not prepared for.
while reflecting over the last year, I realize I have been ill prepared for the whole of it. For some reason, this year has been a bitch. The smell of old spice brings instant memories of sitting on my dads lap, on the boat deck, looking at the stars and listening to his stories from his time in the Merchant Navy. A turtle, be it a picture, sculpture or the real thing, I get flash backs to being a teenager, with a wonderful friend who didn’t get to see past his early twenties but knowing how short his life would be, he lived to the fullest. The taste of instant coffee with whitener, mustangs, driving through Ladner, washing clothes, vacuuming and “Fishin in the Dark”, instantly bring me here, to today.
With random thoughts and dreams through the years, the days of commemoration are not always the days that weigh heavy. However, for some reason, today has hit me hard. With many moments that come on like this, I often ache, reminisce and joke around, while talking or thinking through memories by myself or with others. While this time may be no different in that regards, I do wish to allow myself “a day”. A day that I am prepared for all the emotions; A day were I can have some wine, listen to some country music, go through pictures, and go through whatever feelings come my way.
I have been asked by people if I believe time heals all wounds. No, it doesn’t. At least not for me. What time does, is allow my mind and body to figure out a way to navigate life, the good and the bad, with the pain of loss still there, just peeking over from behind a mental wall. Some days you wake up and that wall is not there, unprepared for it, it feels just as raw as the day it happened. Today, I have decided to take the wall down on my own. Just for today.